Not Feeling Appreciated - Here’s Why and What to Do about it
Welcome to my latest realisation on a subject close to the heart. My intention is to support you to find insight, solace and actionable wisdom for these liminal times.
As we approach the holiday season and things get even more manic. I thought this topic may be relevant!
Love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to email about topics you’d like me to write about.
Not Feeling Appreciated - Here’s Why and What to Do about It
Imagine a version of this.
You accept a role you don’t really want. It’s hard to say No. You feel flattered to be asked. It comes with all the responsibility and sometimes glory, but none of the power/authority/conditions to influence, to get things done. Later you feel bad for not making things happen. You can become the problem. No one looks at why the role was set up the way it was. At the outset it’s wise to inquire further before accepting, so thorny issues can be resolved first. This requires standing back, reflecting and tricky conversations. And knowing you are worth standing strong for your benefit and ultimately the benefit of the enterprise.
In our efforts to be supportive we often stop the natural flow of events from happening. We prolong an ongoing difficulty and enable others to avoid the deeper issue in the system which needs to be addressed. No one has to face into difficult conversations. For example it may be worth asking why don’t I have the necessary resources to get the job done, is this role really valued, if not, why not and what needs to change, who has the authority to make decisions and are they avoiding accountability by giving the role to me?
None of this is easy and requires internal fortitude. And trusted colleagues who have your back. It’s a choice.
Are you the one who everyone comes to for help, who takes on the roles no one else is willing to take on, who prioritises others above yourself? As you know, it happens when we take on the unpaid ‘emotional load’, the behind the scenes invisible actions, the work that isn’t measured or rewarded or properly resourced.
We do it because we care, we see it as important, we believe it wouldn't happen if we didn’t do it and we may be afraid of the consequences of not doing it. Stop and think of the consequences of taking on what is not in your best interests. Ultimately it may not be in the best interests of the enterprise.
We give help when it’s not asked for. We mean well but deprive the other of their agency and learning in finding their own way. We can end up feeling resentful and they can feel diminished or controlled. It’s wise to stop and ask if others want help, before giving it.
What is the motive behind our giving - to fix, to solve, or to serve? What is actually required in the circumstance? Each orientation comes with a very different mindset. It is wise to step back and consider what is most needed and possible in the circumstance.
Sending love and courage
Áine
Questions To Ask
Here are some questions to consider if you are feeling unappreciated.
How do you set yourself up for success in your role?
Indicators - the proportion of time recognised by the organisation as necessary to dedicate to it, the amount of resources available, the authority to make decisions etc.
What uncomfortable conversations do you need to have to shift things so you are set up for success?
Who can you draw on to reason things out and build the courage to have the necessary conversations?
Are you taking on responsibility that is not yours? Where does the responsibility lie?
Do you care about this issue? What conversations do you need to have to progress the issue and take on the responsibility that will be valued?
Are you giving help that’s not really wanted?
What’s your motive in supporting - is to fix, solve or serve. Do you need to shift your orientation so it’s more appropriate to the circumstance?
PS. Conscious Game Changers will be launched 30th January 2023 and begin March 2024. Watch this space.